The Grass Isn’t Always Greener: A Glimpse Into Recruiting Duty

I have truly struggled as a recruiter’s wife. I am all the way across country from family. But I am trying to find the bright side of this. My husband also works long, crazy hours; and like you, I’m grateful to have (even his comatose self) the ability to sleep next to him.

As a former recruiter’s wife I can tell you that things get much better. Year 2 was the hardest for us and year 3 brought a light at the end of the tunnel. I was excited about the opportunities of recruiting as well and soon learned it was 36 1 month deployments. Once I adapted my thinking it did get easier though. We were stationed about 8 hours from home (RS San Francisco and home is Orange County) and there was not a base within an hour drive. That said I took myself around sightseeing and made some great civilian friends and learned a lot about myself and my marriage in the process. Recruiting duty actually made my marriage stronger I believe as it amplified some issues we needed to deal with where deployments allowed us to ignore them.

I survived recruiting duty! It will all be worth it in the end. Promise.

I met and married my husband while he was on recruiting duty. We ended up having many problems, especially as a newlywed couple. We finally got to leave and go to the Fleet where he was deployed 5 months later. We now are seperated and not sure what our future holds. I know all I can do is pray and warn and support other wives about recruiting duty. Not to scare anyone, but like was originally said, the grass is not always greener on the other side.

NEW UP COMING RECRUITERS WIFE HERE I AM SCARED ALL THE NASTY STORYS I HAVE HEARD :z

My husband started recruiter duty last September. We actually CHOSE recruiting in order to get away from a base where he had been stationed for 6 years & there was no end in sight. I can relate to what Samantha has expressed 100%. The days are long, the stress on my husband is tremendous & the tension between the two of us seemed to grow along with his “DEP.” It took 5 months until we were in marriage counseling, his idea. I love my husband more than anything, we’ve been through deployments, PCS’d, etc. We went into recruiting kind of “cocky,” I guess you could say, thinking we had it all figured out. “The Grass Isn’t Always Greener” is so appropriate. My advice to anyone going into recruiting is communication & understanding, from both you & your spouse!! And try to find other recruiter wives to relate to. You really do miss the sense of “belonging” you get from being around other spouses in a base atmosphere. Friends & family can try to understand but they’ll never know the challenges of having to search Tricare’s website for doctors that you know nothing about, only to call one of the doctors & have them tell you “sorry, we don’t accept you anymore.” Much love to all my fellow Military Recruiter Spouses!! <3

I must say at first i was excited about my husband being a recruiter, but now being 2 almost 3 months in im miserable. I tried to look on the brighter side of things because my husband warned me he would be working long hours but he leaves sometimes at 6 hell half the time i dont even know when he leaves because he dosent say anything and he wont get home until 11. We spend no time together and to add we have a 17 month old who barely see’s him and by the time he hits the door he eat and 5 mins later he’s sleep on the sofa. I feel like im in a marriage and raising a child on my own. Im starting to wonder is there ever going to be a bright light at the end of this long dark tunnel? Plus to mention i dont know anyone where were living. As i type its sunday and my husband is at work and been there all day i pray that this recruiting duty dosent cost us our marriage weve been together almost 10 years been married 3 and at this point im miserable.

We are 9 months into my husbands recruiting duty time and I wouldn’t wish recruiting duty on my worst enemy. Seeing the amount of stress my husband goes through on a daily basis hurts me so much knowing I can’t do Anything about it. His station commander is constantly telling him what a shitty recruiter he is when his area is one of the hardest out of his entire recruiting station. His area is huge and it’s mostly backwoods area, no cell service and the closest town is 40+ mins away. He asks for help and they don’t help. I’m just ready for this to be over with

Seriously? You are all a bunch of children. The Marine Corps affords you the opportunity to establish everything prior to needing it. If you are “misinformed” or “uninformed” it is your husbands fault. Recruiter School sets you up for complete success. Everything from Deers enrollment for your specific region and situation in regatds to health care, to TMO which handles your household goods had they need to be moved to any location. All of these subjects are covered in depth to the respective circumstances. It wont be easy, no doubt. But if there is failure, it is the husbands fault. If he is home late, it is his fault. He is as successful as he wants to be. If hes lazy and not in the game, he works late hours. If he is a terrible speaker and fails to write contracts, it is his fault…and in retrospect will work long hours. Suck it the hell up. Posting on a stupid blog about your problems…? Just be glad that in todays economy he has a job.

I cry A LOT lol. ALOT! But this too shall pass…its just exhausting…and I have seriously had to to give up everything I was doing in NC, for this duty and so my husband can further his career..and trying not to be bitter about that is hard.

I am a marine recruiter spouse and things are shitty!!! He works too much comes home at 1am weeknights and weekends he’s never really home. Since our big move things have really changed for the worst. I hate it and I’m starting to think maybe this isn’t the life for me and my son.

Is recruiting school intense ? I hardly hear from my husband. He just started 2 weeks ago and he hardly calls or txt. If this is how the job will be, I’m so not looking forward to it . I’ve also read some pretty bad story’s on husbands cheating on their wife…

We are on our 3rd year of recruiting duty and all I can say is read the other posts and prepare for the worst. The first year I never saw my husband, and as another wife posted I to cried A LOT. I didn’t understand why he had to work so late and with two little ones and no friends I soon became stressed and sad. Luckily where we grew up and our family was three hours away. So when things got tough I would go to my moms for weeks at a time. That was my saving grace. It is hard to make friends it’s not like being on base most people you meet grew up where you are and have there cliques and friends. All I can say is stay busy. It took me to long to figure that out. Ymca offers free memberships for recruiting families, take your children to story time, the park, or let them run around the local mall! I can say this from expierence yelling fighting and getting upset will not bring your husband home any earlier. Believe me I tried. As for the person who posted above me recruiting school is tough especially if your marine wants to do his best. I never heard from my husband because he spent all his time studying. I can also say I never while being out here met a wife and I know many who liked recruiting duty. Just stay positive and know it takes a tough wife and marine to do this job!

My husband has been on recruiting duty for a year and we were stationed about 30 mi from my hometown. It is hard, we have 3 daughters, who rarely see their dad. My 5 year old has taken it the hardest and often sneaks into our bed, tell her to go back to her room, and she says, I just want to snuggle with daddy for a few minutes, please just a few. How can you say no to that. What really helped me was going to the class that our RS offered. The Chaplain there said, you have to remember whose team your on. Are you on your own team or are you and your spouse on a team together? Your spouse is not the enemy. And that statement stuck with me. Like a lot of the women have said in the comments I’ve read it is hard on us as wives. We have to remember it’s just as hard on him as it is on us if not more so. We are lonely and we are frustrated, he is lonely, frustrated, am under immense pressure. Nobody harps on me to have the laundry done or to make dinner by a certain time. He is constantly harped on and told “No”, a hundred times a day. Let your home be the place he can refuge in, not just another place to come and get harped on at. We celebrate mission day, and make it a special day for the whole family, we make our girls feel included and I never allows self to get angry at him for the things he has no control over. Our marriage is not perfect, as no marriage is, but we will survive recruiting duty. I never realized how much my support meant to him until he came home one night and I was up baking cookies for my daughters chorus cookie walk. He said, ” I’m so sorry that you have to handle everything. I can’t tell you how much easier it makes it for me to go to work everyday knowing you are here and that I know no matter what you have my back.” He may not express it to you in the same words or in the same way, but you are a team and recruiting duty is temporary…not worth losing a marriage over something you know has an end!

We currently 6 months into recruiting and it doesn’t seem to get easier! My husband works very long hours…doesn’t get home until 11 sometimes 12. I hate that his command aren’t really supportive. What if, God forbid, my husband falls asleep driving because he’s so tired and has an accident…this is constantly on my mind! I can’t sleep thinking how my husband is.. At first we were so excited to get recruiting duty because I knew my husband would be home every night and be with his family, but now I just stay up and worry! My husband is beyond stressed and I hate how no one at his work help him make it any better… I understand how some marriages can’t make it through recruiting duty but I support and stand right by my husband I could never leave him alone during a time like this! It’s just draining to know we still have more than 2 years left

Oh lord… I am DATING my marine… And have been for a while… We live 900 miles away and he is recruiting… We have some of the worst fights due to lack of communication… We have broken up and are currently “broken up” at the moment… This is just a phase… As soon as his schedule free’s up a little we will be fine but we have some serious arguements… From the moment he wakes up until late at night he is busy… Even when I’m there he has to work… It’s just awful … I feel bad for him and wish i could help… It’s really very sad but I will see him through this… I just have to remember that in a couple years he won’t be doing this. … Gotta stay postive and keep busy…. Sigh…. Lol

Ladies,

This has brought tears to my ears to realize the young lady who wrote this article passed away Oct. 2012, hence no more responses from her. May she rest in peace. Her husband was still on recruiting duty when she passed away while giving birth to a baby boy!

I am a retired MSgt and my MOS is 8412, I will not lie, recruiting duty is very hard, but if a Marine learns good time Mangement, he will have it better. Some recruiters will sit in the office for hours, and do nothing, and that will not bring in contracts, you have to go into the hunt, the recruiters are trained by the best, and each one has an NCOIC that is supposed to help and support him. I will not lie, I had some really lazy NCOIC’s that I reported to in the morning, and then the next day, it would be like this month after month, and I was on my own. There are not many lazy NCOIC out there, but it sucks to have one. Bad example, I had one that screamed at us during morning reports, and that was his type of leadership, and it really sucked, we have request mast, and each station has as SgtMaj that looks out for the welfare of all the recruiters. Each Command does support the recruiters, and the CO. The stress is bad, its 36 months of new missions each month. I was very sucessful because I worked, again, there are recruiters, that sit on their ass, and cry, and wonder why they can not find anyone.. I was a city recruiter, and country where I drove forever, and picked kids up at 3 in the morning, at the bus station and driving them home, then turn around and go to work. It wore me out, but I started this comment, with work smarter, not harder,, anyone have any questions that i might be able to anwere, I am on facebook, i was on the duty for 13 years, and know alot about the bad and good. Yes, I lost a marriage, but it was my fault, not recruiting duty, people use that as an excuse… Semper Fi Doug

My husband has been recruiting for about a year for the air force. It has been miserable. Everything sucks about this. He’s miserable. His memory is shot. He’s stressed to the max, and can’t sleep. I’m miserable. It’s pretty bad when the both of you have to contemplate going to the doctor to get crazy pills to numb yourselves so you can make it through such bs. Dispite being fairly close to a base there is no support. I have worked on bases for 12 years, left a good job, and can’t manage to get one here, or find a decent daycare/ person to watch my kids for less money than I can make here. You can’t work around your husbands schedule, since he pretty much works all of the time. The little bit of extra money they get for recruiting isn’t worth it.

Been marrie 7 years and my husbands been on recruiter duty for over a year now.our marriage was great until this . He converted quickly then realized he mad a mistake. Stress turned to anxiety and anxiety turned into fighting then he had an affair. Recruiting sucks it does throw a wrench in the middle of a normal military life.

Well thank you ladies for scaring the crap out of me. First I’d like to ask, do any of you work? I’m just asking because I was a stay at home mom for years(husband in the military the entire time) and it was very lonely. Now I work and our marriage has become a lot stronger. I’m not lonely like I was before, the loneliness put a huge amount of stress on our relationship.. A lot of what you all are describing sounds like what I went through when I didn’t work. Second, beside the long hours (which my husband already works due to his position) why is it SO awful? This is probably going to be his last position in the military before he gets out, We are looking at recruiting as an opportunity to get back into civilian life. We want to buy a home and finish up school for our careers. I don’t think my husband knows what he’s getting into here, it sound like something that is going to make him miserable. Definitely a step back for our family. Someone tell me it’s NOT THAT BAD!!!

The grass isn’t always greener on the other side is an understatement when it comes to the USMC. If you don’t have kids or a spouse on RD I can see it going way smoother but when you have 2 kids and another on the way and your husband is only home to eat and sleep you find yourself questioning your entire life and marriage. I miss having military friends who can relate. It’s almost like a suffocation feeling. Stay busy they say… Ha! well who do you count on to help out with the kids? Better yet hold down everything on your own and expect NOTHING from your spouse! (Is this even marriage) Oh how they promise family is important…family is 1st …..NOT!!!! Lies after lies. Unfortunately now I see why the divorce rate is high…it’s not cheating, it’s not even the couples having issues..to be honest it’s simply common sense that people CAN grow apart. And when you are already doing everything alone the only thing that says your married is when you happen to glance at your left hand. We all married for the same reason Love….well it’s hard to stay so positive when you don’t see the person that you fell in love with. I’m trying so hard to stay positive but I can’t help but cry! I’m at my limit here. The thought of leaving my husband hurts so much so I stay in hopes and prayers that the next 2yrs fly by. I’m currently a stay home mom due to the daycare cost being outrages. I would hate to work to pay a stranger to watch my kids, and now in days it’s a scary thing leaving your little ones in strangers hands. But I find myself going back and forth I want to keep my sanity so I should go back to work, but can’t count on my husband to help out if I’m running late or have to work late. I can’t count on him to get the oldest off the bus. I’m alone here and I really feel stuck. I’ve done everything you can imagine but finances does play a role in what you are limited to at some point. We chose to have kids yet in the only one raising them and making sacrifices. I feel like I’m going to lose my marriage because it’s stressing us both out to the point we don’t even talk we argue, we don’t laugh and go on dates…we barely even have dinner together…. I’m trying so very hard to stay strong! This pregnancy has been the hardest ever. I feel bad that I cry so much. Please someone give me advise…should I try moving home for now?

To all that receive this message

Over the last few years, I have come across some information regarding a Marine Corps Recruiting Command that has troubled me, as well as others that have either served in this organization, or currently serve. I have found that these issues need to be brought to the attention of those with more authority, as well as the general public, considering these are the Marines in direct contact with the civilian population and those selling the ideals of the Marine Corps to the next generation of Marines. Within the ranks of this Command, they have either knowingly concealed, or failed to report certain events, that are NOT within keeping of the highest tradition of the United States Naval Service, nor the Marine Corps. The list that follows are the infractions that have happened in the last few years of the RS Fort Worth Command and the Career Recruiters that have soiled the reputation of the Marines good example, and will do more damage if not exposed.

Career Recruiter issues.

Amongst its ranks, the majority of Career Recruiters are morally outstanding Marines, with the best intentions to abide by all rules pertaining to doing right by the applicant and other civilians in the community. However, this Command has had a few that knowingly have discredited the Marine Corps title through actions that are either not known by the Command, or chosen to have a blind eye due to the success these individuals have had on this duty. One of which currently runs a station in Keller, Texas. He has information on 2 Marines that he knowingly concealed and withheld DUI incidents for while under his charge. One of those Marines with the non reported DUI is currently in the Fleet Marine Force unable to obtain a current Secret Clearance due to this incident. This 8412 knowingly covered up both incidents, yet is free from any type of UCMJ punishment. The biggest offense however, is the admittance from multiple sources that have exposed this same Marine Career Recruiter for sleeping with Navy enlisted (Poolees’) inside a Marine Corps Recruitment Station. If a bit more investigation is placed on this Career Recruiter, you might be surprised to find what else you may uncover (the incidents listed above were disclosed by several other people, to multiple personnel in the station this Career Recruiter had been in charge of for well over a year).

Another incident involving another Career Recruiter involved an extra marital affair, or at least, an inappropriate relationship with a fellow Marine’s spouse. This was an event that most Marines in the Command as well as Canvassing Recruiters knew about, but yet nothing was done about it. Instead the Command gave this Marine an award for his service in his role to the Command. An award for breaking the rules on extra marital affairs and conduct as a Marine…..at this rate we should give every Marine who breaks the rules of the UCMJ a Navy Cross…….this is disgusting. There are Marines who have sacrificed their lives in combat in such places like Fallujah and Marjah, and have yet to get a personal award. Though it’s ok if you spent over 16 years on Recruiting Duty, never had a single combat deployment, and mess around with another Marine’s wife……this Command will ensure you receive a medal while the rest of the Recruiters who struggle day to day to make mission receive harassing phone calls nightly wanting to know why you only had 1 interview that day.

XO

The former XO of RS Fort Worth had displayed inappropriate photos of herself on a sexual based website. I believe this falls under conduct unbecoming of a Marine Officer. Here is the site, as well as the screen name…..99% of the Recruiters in the Command know of this site, I find it hard to believe the Command has no idea about this. Once again, an ignorant Command turns a blind eye to protect a favorite. Not surprising because this Command is famous for protecting the favorites, and crucifying the Marines that show any form of disgruntled behavior or lack of motivation.

Station Commander

Another current Station Commander had inappropriately touched a female applicant (Poolee), which she reported to the Recruiters of the station. The Recruiters of that station utilized the proper chain of command to report the incident. Instead of the Command looking into the reported incident, they took no action against the Station Commander, but took action against the Marines who reported the incident. The Marines of that station had taken the correct action, and instead were berated by the same Chain of Command they were told to trust, into career threatening accusations about making up an incident to go behind the station Commander’s back.

Cover up

There was a young Sergeant that was a Recruiter out of Lewisville Texas. He had been messing around with alcohol and a loaded shotgun one afternoon in his house. The end result, he shot off his own foot. From multiple sources that had witnessed the incident, all had said he was drunk and reckless with the loaded weapon, but come time for the Command investigation, a different story was delivered to save face. The Command trumped up a story about said name Sergeant of Marines accidentally tripping over a cat while taking the shotgun down from a shelf in a closet. No NJP, 6105, or negative counseling was issued, instead a Command investigation that was quickly closed and full medical retirement was given. If the Command wasn’t too busy covering their tracks, this Marine (as unfortunate as it was for him to lose a foot), would have been dealt the same punishment as any other Marine who would have conducted him/herself in the same reckless manner.

Commanding Officer

The last and final incident involves a former CO of this establishment. He has earned a promotion to LtCol under the careers of NCOs’ and SNCOs’ that he helped destroy. This Commanding Officer did give guidance regarding how to stop a particular incident from occurring to a station in his command. He informed the Station Commander and a Recruiter that a public berating would cease boot camp attrition. When the public berating took place, he denied any involvement in the knowledge of planting the seed in which would become a major incident and career ender for multiple Marines. He may not have done the physical act, but a Commander who suggests his Marines perform such action should also feel some of the punishment that was enforced to the Marines he charged with this task. This is the same CO that had multiple suicides on his watch, as well as a Marine killed while hard at work to get him a band member to enlist so he could get a precious award. It was very apparent to a majority in his command that he cared more about his career and the awards he would earn than his Marines……that in my opinion is just poor leadership. It didn’t help that his senior enlisted advisor is a YES man, and by that, he would support his Commanding Officer without question, but was never very experienced at being empathetic to his enlisted Marines views and concerns. At one of his Marines funerals he told the rest of the Marines of that Recruiting Station that they still needed to focus on making mission. Understand, the Marines’ knew they still had a mission to accomplish, but the CO didn’t need to remind the Marines of that station at the church, directly after the funeral, about mission (I’m willing to bet he could have waited a day to say something).

Overall

In my experience, this was the worst Command I’ve ever had the unfortunate opportunity to work for/with. This Command has forced a majority of good Marines from its ranks, and let’s not even mention the divorce rate (I would advise anyone interested in looking further into this letter to research the divorce rate and the attrition rate of this Command). This Command brings with it a lot of bad leadership, and it is a shame to see good combat decorated Marines forced to part ways with a branch they love over a few Marines who have never or rarely deployed because of a good ole boy network that exists in RS Fort Worth. I hope to see an IG make their way to this Command and do a bit of investigation. If not, I will forward this to multiple media outlets, because we all know the media loves to do a negative Marine Corps story. I understand that this letter in itself may look like a disgruntled Marine trying to exact some form of vengeance because of feelings of being mistreated…..there is a part of that statement that is fact, I won’t say there isn’t. There is also other reasons behind this, and that is to defend other Marines that were treated unfairly or accused of things they had not done, while others get away with breaking rules in the UCMJ and nothing happens to their careers. This letter is in regards to doing what is right. While I was in, I chose to say nothing over these events that I clearly knew about as well, which makes me no better than the Marines I am calling out. Now that I have completed my time, I felt it was time to do the right thing and say my peace, because now the Command cannot inadvertently find a way to punish me.

I’m curious about life after a 3 year USMC recruiting gig. My son will be missing 3 years of technical advances in his MOS, and will be so stressed out that he can’t see straight. He’s been told that “it will be worth it in the end.” How does that work? What will the Corps do to make it worth it? This is a serious question.

I am a consultant in healthcare compliance and revenue integrity (think – money needs to be present to run a hospital/clinic/system). I am dating / in a committed relationship with a recruiter who is in the last 5 months of his active service with the USMC. I can tell you the reason our relationship has survived this far, is that I can relate. I understand 12-16 hours a day of devotion in order to get a project completed, or to make certain all questions are answered when I’m on a compliance or teaching project. I believe in going the extra mile to reach out and contact a prospective business partner (or in his case, a future fellow Marine). I understand that the career fields he and I are committed to are ones of servitude, and that within the creed and duties defined therein exists a level of unspoken sacrifice and partnership. The partnership comes from family, friends, and community members. Why? Who else will defend, protect, serve, provide, and (in my particular industry) heal? I urge that we go “back to the basics”, to the ethos or the “why we agreed to be” where we are today. I do believe some work requirements could be changed in order to fully capture the mission of the military. For instance, if you are upholding a country founded on faith and family, why create quotas and work ethics that sever and tear the very foundations of the house you are attempting to build,maintain, and defend? There is a multi-faceted buy in required for all areas and careers that build up, support, and defend this nation for what it is. I urge we do our part in considering the why, and urge the USMC and all branches of the military to re-examine work prioritization and distribution, with ongoing monitoring in order to identify areas for improvement (also a part of the military creed – continued examination and improvement).

I never knew so many spouses are struggling with the same problem I have. In my case, my wife works as a recruiter and regret that I didn’t say any comforting words when she came home late. Wish my wife and our family.

I know this post is a few years old.. But it’s so so nice to know that I am not the only one struggling even though we were fortunate enough to get our Home state of Texas. Nothing could have prepared me for recruiter life!

Thank you for your post. It was very helpful! My husband received orders to report to the Army Recruiter Course in May. My question is: At what point did you find out where you were being sent? I find the uncertainty the most frustrating aspect, so far. The sooner I know where we’ll be relocated, the sooner I can start looking into a new school to complete my degree.

This might be a really stupid question and I know this post is a few years old, but is recruiting duty the same as just being a recruiter????? my husband’s first four years are coming to an end next month and we are trying to decide on whether he should get out of the Marine Corps and join reserves, or sign for another four years as a recruiter… which would help financially right now. I told my husband that I would be okay with a reenlistment as long as he has a non deployable job and so we can stay in California. The career planner said the only non deployable job thats open right now is to be a recruiter for four years. he says he has the option as a sergeant to request where he wants to go and we can continue to live on base, and he would have a normal job with normal hrs…. is that actually true?? I hate to say it but my husband is really bad about getting all of the facts and he believes everything they tell him to be true, but with the Marine Corps (the military in general) I know thats normally not the case. please help!